AfghanistanI don’t typically consider myself a bitter person. However, I got a massage the other day and as the masseuse was moving over my body we talked about the knots, tight and swollen parts of my body.  I enjoy the process of learning about myself through my body and others’ eyes. The masseuse explained what each painful body part was associated with for emotions. Muscles hold emotions hence physical healing can equate to emotional healing and vice versa. A lot of what she told me were things I already considered and thought about, but bitterness caught me off guard.

My masseuse suggested I start writing down when I can remember being bitter possibly starting with the first time I can remember. My first instinct was to say I’m not bitter. I have made peace with my life and forgiven, but then I started to think. And here I am.

The first times I really remember being bitter is 5th grade. I was probably bitter before then, but can’t recall. I wanted to play on a competition basketball team and the coach had put a team together without me. I don’t know if it was so much bitterness or simply questioning why they wouldn’t pick me to be on the team. I wanted to play. Eventually I did. Eventually I became really good. Eventually I got over it.

The next time I can recall being bitter is in 7th grade when teenage girls were teenage girls. The typical ‘one day we will speak to you, the next we won’t’ or ‘ we are all friends except with her today’ drama. Again I feel like this exclusion caused more hurt than pain. Pain potentially turned to bitterness. I am friends with many of those same girls and I don’t think this really caused any bitterness or animosity.

Maybe the first time I felt turn bitterness is 8th grade when I kissed a boy for a dollar on the bus. He was pronounced amazing and a stud. I got called a dollar-whore. The double standard of men and women’s roles in society had never been so real or prevalent until that kiss. This is when I learned there is no such thing as equality. I am bitter over this.

The next thing I remember being bitter about is when my best friend convinced me to dump the boy I had been in love with for years. Because she didn’t like him. The next week they were dating. I’m also bitter my first true sexual experience. I was used and discarded by the group of guys I had been really good friends with for years. I was the girl in the group and not one of the guys like I thought.

I remember walking with Amber to meet a guy and some friends during the summer. I looked at her and said please don’t leave me alone with this guy. We had met him the day prior and he scared me. She left me with him within minutes of meeting up with everyone. He took advantage of the situation and raped me. I’m not bitter over the rape. I am bitter over the fact  I asked my friend to stay with me and she abandoned me without any thought or hesitation.

I was bitter as a freshman basketball player when I rarely got to play Varsity. I thought I was better than some of the Varsity girls and I wanted to play.

I remember being bitter that I never fit in with the girls I played ball with. I was never pretty enough, feminine enough, I was never the “it” girl. I wasn’t the girl the boys were interested in.

Being bitter over never getting the recognition I deserved for sports. Always being the person in the background.

I was bitter over how the guys in college treated me. I was never their equal and they would create drama for fun between the girls. I remember putting in hard work and being shit on for it. Come to find out later the guys got away with things by doing the professor’s papers for graduate school.

I am bitter my husband used me. He manipulated the situation and treated me like a bank roll rather than someone important. I always worked harder and did more to help us. I am bitter he died by suicide.

I am bitter that my in-laws got his life insurance and left me with all his/our debt and the cost of his funeral. I am bitter his family treated me like shit and then his grandparents went on a mission. They had the audacity to do his temple work without informing me or getting my permission. I am bitter I am held accountable for his actions. I am bitter I am damaged because of him, I am hurt and cautious.

I am bitter I never meet guys who are interested in me that are what I want. I am tired of being treated like I’m unvalued and unimportant. I am tired of being a peice of ass that hasn’t been loved. I am bitter I have loved endlessly while not being loved back. I am bitter I can give so much of myself to others and receive nothing in return.

I am bitter I have to fight for common sense. That stupid people are allowed to take command and make poor decision without repercussion. I am bitter I am punished for having values and morals.

I am bitter I have to wait patiently and feel incomplete, unwhole.

I am bitter.

The Publicity of Caitlyn Jenner

How could I resist such a juicy tabloid post. It’s perfect, Olympic Male Athlete Bruce Jenner, transforms himself into a woman. How much more taboo can you get- it has everything sex, gender identity, fame, and every Progressive politician and celeb applauding bravery.

I am all about taboo, so since everyone is so supportive I’m going to take the dark side… bahaha… seriously. My concern comes from the minimal research and how to deal with gender identity. This concern comes from the fact that many transgenders commit suicide after castration. Identity is important. Without identity we wander aimlessly. My concern also stems from what is feminine and what is masculine. What does it mean to be female and what does it mean to be male?

I am, by all means, happy that someone can express himself/herself, however, I am bothered by the need to be one gender instead of the other. Especially when, like race, we have fought for gender equality. To be progressive, transgender defeats feminism and equality. It states there are genders and I am male or female, and one is better for me than the other. It says, I need to change my body, use silicon, photoshop, make-up to be a male or a female. Why do we need to mutilate our bodies to meet any form of self love, to say “this is who I am?” This is the opposite of self-love.

Self mutilation is a terrifying issue within the US. The most alarming part is we don’t even realize it’s a problem. In Africa, tribes conduct genital mutilation as a rite of passage into womanhood.  Americans are disgusted and spend millions fighting to stop it because it’s “wrong.” And yet in our own country, we choose to have labiaplasty and breast implants. We are mutilating our body for an idea of an image we think we want. To have to change one’s body image to meet an idea is setting ourselves up for failure.

Instead of discussing what we can change about ourselves, we should be politically discussing how to be whomever we want within our own bodies. Appearances, in dress and behavior, should be acceptable instead of gawked at and labelled. I would be much happier about all the publicity of Caitlyn (previously known as Bruce Jenner), if there was no change to his body, no hormones, no photoshop, just his natural body and her saying “I identify as an equal gender. I am both male and female. I do not have to be one or the other, I can be both.”

Please comment and lets discuss body identity.

I’m a Slut

 I have sex. I have sex, a lot. I think the general term for me is slut. You might as well add in Bitch too. I get called a lot of names now that I think about it… Whore.Skank. Dirty ho.Tramp. and the list goes on. I fully admit when I was younger it use to bother me; now it just makes me laugh. Society and expectations: a guy can sleep around for days and its “good job, bro.” Me, I sleep with one guy before I’m married and it’s a scandal. I suppose if there’s a scandal it would behoove me to give everyone something outside the ordinary to talk about, right?

Really there isn’t a scandal here. I just enjoy sex and I’m a girl, therefore I have sex. A lot of sex. I sleep with a handful of guys. I am not “in love” with any of them. I simply enjoy having their hard cock pounding inside of me until I orgasm. There is something spectacular about having my muscles contract and losing control in the moment without a care in the world. Call me a sinner, but when I have an itch, I scratch.

You must think something is wrong with me. I must have been sexually abused or molested. Was I raped? I must have had an abusive relationship or be addicted to drugs. The answer to all of these is no. The no is probably why I love sex so much. I chose to lose my virginity when I wanted, with the guy I wanted. He was sweet and gentle. A month later I slept with someone else and my sexual prowess grew from there. Where had this amazing feeling been? There were so many sensations I didn’t know about or hadn’t had. I wanted to know and explore every crevice of sex. My mind always reeling from the last encounter. Ok, maybe that was an exaggeration. I haven’t always had mind-blowing sex. Some partners blow. I did however learn that every new person I slept with did something different and the more people I slept with the more I learned and experienced.

Maybe I am a dirty tramp, but I love what I’m doing and I’m not looking for your acceptance anyway. I don’t need your approval. So while you are busy judging me right now. I am cock deep in bliss. You haven’t even crossed my mind. No, I’m not sad and depressed the guy I slept with last night didn’t call me back or want a relationship- hell, I didn’t even give him my real name or my number. I’m not the girl who wants to settle down. I’m the girl you call for a good time. Actually, I call you at 2 in the morning for the good time. Or if you’re a girl and you’re reading this I’m the person you wish you could be, but too confined by your own fears and social judgment to say “Fuck it; I’m going to do what I want because I enjoy”

Not all Women want Children

no-kidsA six-year-old boy hummed as the elevator went up seven floors. He was dressed nicely holding both of his parents hands. Most adult women would find this behavior to be overly-charming and fall into a baby-wanting frenzy, however there is a handful of women that would want to karate-kick the child in the back of the head for not shutting up. After which, they would scold the parents for not keeping their child quiet, because not everyone thinks hearing a child hum is adorable. These women don’t want children, in fact, they don’t even like children.

How could this be? Women are suppose to want to grow up and have children. That motherly instinct to keep the species alive should be tethering all women to the dream of family. Hence when a woman breaks free of this typical mold, it creates confusion and chaos. It’s so bizarre men, women and children can’t comprehend it. They makes comments such as “It’s just a phase”, “It’s different when it’s yours”, and “You can’t be serious. You’ll want them later.” This outrageous stance -women declaring freedom from precious boys and girls- is almost a crime against womanhood.

In general there are logical reasons to not want children. Here are 10:

  1. Children cost money.
  2. Children take considerable amount of time (practically a full-time job).
  3. There is NO guarantee on disposition, health, and behavior, responsible people who have major hereditary health might choose not to have children because they don’t want to pass along something that they have had to deal with.
  4. There are strict laws on how one can parent.
  5. Chances are children won’t move out at 18 or 26 or will move back in when they are adults.
  6. Why live vicariously through children when you can still live your own life.
  7. Have you ever looked at a family and thought- There should be regulations about who can have children and how many” Some people really shouldn’t have kids so if they choose not to support them.
  8. Babies wreck your body.
  9. She is not in a positive environmental position or society to raise a family.
  10. She just doesn’t want to.

Not wanting children as a woman is Taboo. It makes a declaration of freedom and power. A woman has decided to take her own fate into her hands and determine what her future holds outside of societal expectations. She has made the best decision for herself and her unwanted potential offspring. This is perfectly acceptable, but threatening. Women alone hold the power of carrying an embryo to term. Any other development of a child, such as cloning, is considered unethical. Men, while producing sperm, only play a small part in the reproduction process. Perhaps this is why the declaration of not wanting children is so outrageous for some. The woman is not fulfilling her “duty” to carry on the species. Ironically one woman (unless she was the last on earth due to a zombie apocalypse) choosing not to have a child is not an end to the species. Currently, the world is overpopulated and there are many homeless and starving children without families. Demographically, children make up the majority of the those currently living in poverty.

Women who do not want children are not causing the destruction of the species. They are seeing past society and into their own needs. This takes courage and strength. I don’t deny there are reasons for wanting children, but there are just as many reasons to not have children. In the end, we all need to think about what is best for ourselves and potential children instead of being quickly taken aback by an out-of-the-norm idea. Children are not for everyone and that is not a bad thing.

Women in Combat


Why are women in combat a big deal? Women have been a part of wars and combat clear back to the bible. In American history, there are stories of women dressing up as men during the revolutionary war to fight. Even today, multiple countries allow women in combat roles. Alas the United States, the land of the free and home of the brave, restricts women from combat roles in the military. This is a revolving door and at the moment. The Pentagon is working on ways to politically allow women into combat roles, but there is much debate about the topic.

I find most debates are unfounded by statistics and research. Usually topics are thrown around with little to no thought put into them. They are usually general stereotypes with little to no knowledge or thought put into a solid argument. Women are weaker, women have periods, there will be sex or rape, the standards will be lowered, etc. I usually just shake my head and don’t bother commenting. However, as women in the combat roles falls into a taboo topic, I thought I would address it. I will state here that these are my opinions and thoughts on the matter and less about how the topics taboo.

The first argument presented is always women are physically weaker. Hence if we allow women into combat arms the standard will be lowered and everyone will be in more danger. I think this is the worst argument that I have ever heard come out of someones mouth. That is a general stereotype. If instead of being concerned about gender or race and instead focused on standards the correct people would end up in the job. There are incredibly fit females and there are incredibly unfit males and vice versa. If a high standard was set and maintained then I would feel safer and better with someone who met and maintained the physical standard. Whether it is a 12 miles in 3 hours 35 pound ruck march, a 5 miles in 40 minute run, 6 strict pull ups, or the current  male standard for the physical fitness test (for whatever branch of service, Army, Marine, Navy, Air Force, Coast Guard), an individual’s ability to physically maintain their performance should dictate whether or not a person is in the job, especially combat. The fact of the matter is that if people are qualified then they should be allowed to do the job they are capable of. If people are not qualified then they should not be in the job. Regardless, everyone in the military should be able to have the same training to instill equal skill and confidence because at the base level every military member should be an infantryman.

“Bears can smell the menstration” (Anchorman). The next argument that comes up is girls have periods, they can get pregnant and they can’t pee standing up! Yes, women and men have different anatomy. I know shocking! However, the difference in anatomy has rarely created an issue. There are many health risks in combat jobs, just like other jobs. When training or in combat their are going to be times when Soldiers are in the “field” (aka camping)  for a prolonged amount of time. How does a period affect women in this position? It doesn’t. How do I know this? Because I’ve been there and so have many other females. Women go to the field in noncombat jobs. Yet, we continue to have it brought up as a reason why women shouldn’t be in combat. The bathroom argument has never made sense to me. If your safety is important and you have to go, you’re going to go, just like anyone else. Fun fact, technology has created a funnel that allows women to pee standing up. Something else I would love to point out is, guys can’t stand up and take a shit; eventually a guy has to squat too. The body has normal functions and its not a big deal. If a girl isn’t ok with going to the bathroom in front of guys she’s probably not the one trying to be in the infantry. Yes, women can get pregnant, women can also use highly effective birth control and so can men. Got it, if a woman is pregnant she probably shouldn’t be in combat. I’m not going to argue that, but pregnancy can be prevented if people are responsible.

The third argument I am going to label professionalism. I believe that it encompasses mental, emotional, rape or sexual assault, and harassment. This, I actually believe is a valid argument. Not because women aren’t professional, but because there are too many men and women in these jobs that are NOT professional enough to put aside bias, stereotypes and pride, for the job.  It’s not the one professional is the hundreds of others that aren’t. Sadly, even without women in combat positions they are still not professional enough to be in the same job. These are the individuals, who break protocol, harass, haze, make bets, sleep around, try to look cool and are out of touch with their own importance, make it near impossible for U.S Soldiers to just be Soldiers and not gender, race, or sexuality. The only thing standing in the way of not just women, but sameness in combat jobs is true professionalism.

Regardless of all those points above, women and all Soldiers deserve the same training as men. To deny training to an individual for any other reason than they are simply unqualified by their own scores is to ruin our own force. Making individuals meet the same standard and allowing full training is the only way our military is going to get better. Politics and numbers need to be put aside and the best training needs to occur for everyone. If a military member can’t meet the standard at any moment (with exception for injuries, medical conditions, and I’m sure a handful of other reasons) they need to be relieved from their job. If they are unable to meet the basic criteria laid out for Soldiers then they need to be relieved from the military. This needs to happen regardless of race, gender, sexuality, or any other possible discriminatory bias people can create. War is no longer conventional. It is asymmetrical, there is no front line and every service member deserves the best training to protect themselves and the others around them.