Intent to love


I never stood a chance. His charm drew me in like a hot summer day. He could spin a tale leaving you in amazement. His ideas, soft, hard, were endless. The tingling he left in the pit of my stomach when he smiled my way with blue eyes holding a secret only we knew would leave me dizzy for days. I never stood a chance. The truth is- his eyes held secrets only he knew. Secrets unfair to share and leave on anyone.

I had what he wanted. I was so full of dreams and life. I had family full of love and care. A dream he never had. Stability. I never questioned where I belonged because I always belonged. Any group I approached I adapted like a chameleon, full of confidence, as if I had always been one of them. My life was full of possibilities. Thoughts of I couldn’t do something or I would ever fail, never registered in my mind. I was the life he wanted.

There were signs. HUGE, RED SIGNS, but I loved him and I was an endless romantic. I believed in the best of everyone. I had no idea the cruelty of humanity. I think he was happy for a while- to be loved without conditions. However, he didn’t know how to love in return. You can’t love someone else when you don’t love yourself. He tried. God knows, he tried. He couldn’t unlearn years of abandonment and hurt; conditions and pain. He did his best, in moments there was true love. Moments when he held me in his arms and I knew we loved each other. Moments he was my everything and he could love because he saw glimpses of loving himself.

In the end the glimpses weren’t enough to undo the damage that had been done. Moments can’t undo years of wrong. Moments, however, can leave years worth of scarring. Now I live with the pain of ending dreams and knowing how cruel people can be. I can’t see anything but red flags. My guard is up so high, it takes years to tear down and moments to put it back up. I don’t feel safe with people because people are cruel.

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