This last month has been a challenge. I am lonely. Not in the way of friendless and introverted. It is the way of having and losing. To know- only to have taken away. It is in the way of having a significant other and then not. It is wanting to be loved and cared for. The tender moments only genuine love and promise provides. I am lonely in the fear of never having what I once had even when I know what I had wasn’t as I chose to remember.
I want someone. This thought terrifies me, it makes me uncomfortable. It is a vulnerable thought. In a way I almost need someone, this thought terrifies me more. I can’t count the number of times I told myself I am the only one who will take care of me. I am the only one I can count on. To allow someone in would make me vulnerable. To trust and allow someone else to share anything and everything- Time, money, love, children. There are so many unpredictable factors. Allowing another person to share those dreams can shatter my world when taken away, leaving me holding on to a thread. I, more than most know taken away means so many things. It doesn’t have to be a fight or divorce. It can be a job or death. There are many things we don’t control. With this knowledge how can I let myself be so vulnerable. Promises are made, but easily broken without our control. Even with this knowledge I still yearn for someone to share life with.
So I make my list- athletic, intelligent, hardworking, religious similarities, trustworthy, stable. I make my list so airtight it’s near impossible to find anyone capable of fitting. Yet, I tell myself I fit all those ideas so why would I bend or settle. I am lonely and ache to be loved. It makes it hard not to settle, however, the terror of loss makes it easy keeps me from flirting and putting myself out there. I tell myself it only takes one. Yet, when I find one I think might fit I look for every flaw I might be able to use to keep a distance from them. The irony- I’m wanting but push everyone away. Fear of pain outweighs my need to heal and love.
This fear trickles through with a meek chance of courage breaking free. Courage needs safety. Safety needs trust. Trust needs a guiding hand. This is not something I can break free of on my own. It is not something I can easily choose to walk away from. I am in a dark pit looking up screaming for someone to notice me. To gently throw down a ladder, to slowly come down and guide me out of the darkness I know and hate, but fear coming out of. I need the warmth of their hand in mine to know its ok. For them to notice me and want me, but alas, I am the only one that will ever take care of me. There is no prince charming.