Month: August 2015

Left Wanting

Ireland

This last month has been a challenge. I am lonely. Not in the way of friendless and introverted. It is the way of having and losing. To know- only to have taken away. It is in the way of having a significant other and then not. It is wanting to be loved and cared for. The tender moments only genuine love and promise provides. I am lonely in the fear of never having what I once had even when I know what I had wasn’t as I chose to remember.

I want someone. This thought terrifies me, it makes me uncomfortable. It is a vulnerable thought. In a way I almost need someone, this thought terrifies me more. I can’t count the number of times I told myself I am the only one who will take care of me. I am the only one I can count on. To allow someone in would make me vulnerable. To trust and allow someone else to share anything and everything- Time, money, love, children. There are so many unpredictable factors. Allowing another person to share those dreams can shatter my world when taken away, leaving me holding on to a thread. I, more than most know taken away means so many things. It doesn’t have to be a fight or divorce. It can be a job or death. There are many things we don’t control. With this knowledge how can I let myself be so vulnerable. Promises are made, but easily broken without our control. Even with this knowledge I still yearn for someone to share life with.

So I make my list- athletic, intelligent, hardworking, religious similarities, trustworthy, stable. I make my list so airtight it’s near impossible to find anyone capable of fitting. Yet, I tell myself I fit all those ideas so why would I bend or settle. I am lonely and ache to be loved. It makes it hard not to settle, however, the terror of loss makes it easy keeps me from flirting and putting myself out there. I tell myself it only takes one. Yet, when I find one I think might fit I look for every flaw I might be able to use to keep a distance from them.  The irony- I’m wanting but push everyone away. Fear of pain outweighs my need to heal and love.

This fear trickles through with a meek chance of courage breaking free. Courage needs safety. Safety needs trust. Trust needs a guiding hand. This is not something I can break free of on my own. It is not something I can easily choose to walk away from. I am in a dark pit looking up screaming for someone to notice me. To gently throw down a ladder, to slowly come down and guide me out of the darkness I know and hate, but fear coming out of. I need the warmth of their hand in mine to know its ok. For them to notice me and want me, but alas, I am the only one that will ever take care of me. There is no prince charming.

Intent to love


I never stood a chance. His charm drew me in like a hot summer day. He could spin a tale leaving you in amazement. His ideas, soft, hard, were endless. The tingling he left in the pit of my stomach when he smiled my way with blue eyes holding a secret only we knew would leave me dizzy for days. I never stood a chance. The truth is- his eyes held secrets only he knew. Secrets unfair to share and leave on anyone.

I had what he wanted. I was so full of dreams and life. I had family full of love and care. A dream he never had. Stability. I never questioned where I belonged because I always belonged. Any group I approached I adapted like a chameleon, full of confidence, as if I had always been one of them. My life was full of possibilities. Thoughts of I couldn’t do something or I would ever fail, never registered in my mind. I was the life he wanted.

There were signs. HUGE, RED SIGNS, but I loved him and I was an endless romantic. I believed in the best of everyone. I had no idea the cruelty of humanity. I think he was happy for a while- to be loved without conditions. However, he didn’t know how to love in return. You can’t love someone else when you don’t love yourself. He tried. God knows, he tried. He couldn’t unlearn years of abandonment and hurt; conditions and pain. He did his best, in moments there was true love. Moments when he held me in his arms and I knew we loved each other. Moments he was my everything and he could love because he saw glimpses of loving himself.

In the end the glimpses weren’t enough to undo the damage that had been done. Moments can’t undo years of wrong. Moments, however, can leave years worth of scarring. Now I live with the pain of ending dreams and knowing how cruel people can be. I can’t see anything but red flags. My guard is up so high, it takes years to tear down and moments to put it back up. I don’t feel safe with people because people are cruel.