Month: May 2015

It’s Taboo. Period.

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This photo by Rupi Kaur (@rupikaur_) was removed from from Instagram because of “Period Blood”

It’s the most hated time for everyone. The New Scarlet Moon. The Monthly Spin Cycle. Nature’s Shark Week. For the single guys reading this, I’m talking about menstruation, PMS. One of the most taboo subjects in male society after mammograms and the “women poop too” conversation.

Having been there, I understand the apprehension. Guys don’t have the bodily monthly maintenance that women do (probably explains why we change the oil on our trucks). Looking back it doesn’t make sense why men, and society in general, view periods as such a frightening and taboo subject.

PeriodRecently, periods have become more mainstream. Tampon and Midol commercials are more prevalent, especially when you watch lifetime or gossip girl, sitcoms address it more, and Facebook abounds with memes about heroic guys buying tampons and chocolate for their significant others (single guys take note; if/when you get a girlfriend and she’s on her period, buy her Midol, tampons, and her favorite pastry. It’ll give you more credit than buying flowers “just because”). While the popularization and familiarization of periods is a good start, the stereotypical response from men is revulsion and vile. In part because it’s humorous to do so based upon pop-culture and the reaction of our mothers when Tampax promotes their structurally superior product on TV. It’s as if we’ve conditioned ourselves as a society to view PMS as embarrassing, therefore we sweep the “problem” under the rag- I mean rug. Like masturbating and pooping, all women menstruate.

What is it that makes uterine blood so revolting, that conversations about it are considered rude and inappropriate? Take it a step further, what is it that scares some guys shitless? It’s blood. It happens. Who gives a shit?

Please comment if you have any Taboo Period moments you would like to share.

If you appreciated this it was contributed by my dear friend Matt from thelonebullmoose.wordpress.com

I’m a Slut

 I have sex. I have sex, a lot. I think the general term for me is slut. You might as well add in Bitch too. I get called a lot of names now that I think about it… Whore.Skank. Dirty ho.Tramp. and the list goes on. I fully admit when I was younger it use to bother me; now it just makes me laugh. Society and expectations: a guy can sleep around for days and its “good job, bro.” Me, I sleep with one guy before I’m married and it’s a scandal. I suppose if there’s a scandal it would behoove me to give everyone something outside the ordinary to talk about, right?

Really there isn’t a scandal here. I just enjoy sex and I’m a girl, therefore I have sex. A lot of sex. I sleep with a handful of guys. I am not “in love” with any of them. I simply enjoy having their hard cock pounding inside of me until I orgasm. There is something spectacular about having my muscles contract and losing control in the moment without a care in the world. Call me a sinner, but when I have an itch, I scratch.

You must think something is wrong with me. I must have been sexually abused or molested. Was I raped? I must have had an abusive relationship or be addicted to drugs. The answer to all of these is no. The no is probably why I love sex so much. I chose to lose my virginity when I wanted, with the guy I wanted. He was sweet and gentle. A month later I slept with someone else and my sexual prowess grew from there. Where had this amazing feeling been? There were so many sensations I didn’t know about or hadn’t had. I wanted to know and explore every crevice of sex. My mind always reeling from the last encounter. Ok, maybe that was an exaggeration. I haven’t always had mind-blowing sex. Some partners blow. I did however learn that every new person I slept with did something different and the more people I slept with the more I learned and experienced.

Maybe I am a dirty tramp, but I love what I’m doing and I’m not looking for your acceptance anyway. I don’t need your approval. So while you are busy judging me right now. I am cock deep in bliss. You haven’t even crossed my mind. No, I’m not sad and depressed the guy I slept with last night didn’t call me back or want a relationship- hell, I didn’t even give him my real name or my number. I’m not the girl who wants to settle down. I’m the girl you call for a good time. Actually, I call you at 2 in the morning for the good time. Or if you’re a girl and you’re reading this I’m the person you wish you could be, but too confined by your own fears and social judgment to say “Fuck it; I’m going to do what I want because I enjoy”

The World Moves On

The_Window

One of the most surreal experiences you will have, is your life coming to a crashing halt; the world continues to move on as if nothing has happened. It is a bizarre and strange perception.

Eventually you will pause long enough to look out the window. When you do, you see a million different things. You see life when everything seems like it should be dead. Children playing, a man jogging, people coming and going to and from their homes. They go to work, they have friends over and have parties. They live. This experience makes you question humanity. How can everyone continue on with their daily activities and jobs when someone so precious has passed away only moments ago? How can they go on as if nothing has happened?

You aren’t the first person to experience this nor feel the injustice of it all. It was only yesterday when his job needed him to stay late for a last-minute project. It was only yesterday you had a fight; a fight so petty that you don’t even remember what it was about. But meant everything at the time. It was only yesterday that actions and words meant everything. It was only yesterday that his kiss stole your breath away. Alas, the world waits for no one. His work found someone new. He missed his weekly poker game. His friends barbequed without him. He didn’t do the dishes. He no longer walks through the door and says “I love you.” It’s as though he never existed. Are you the only one that remembers he was just here yesterday?

There are remnants of him everywhere. Pieces left, pieces of him. Debts to be paid. Accounts to be closed. Possessions to put in boxes. He is everywhere and yet, it’s as though he never existed. The world has moved on without him.

Please share in the comments about the window moments you’ve had.

What You Should Know About Grief

Grief is perhaps an unknown territory for you. You might feel both helpless and hopeless without a sense of a ‘map’ for the journey. Confusion is the hallmark of a transition. To rebuild both your inner and outer world is a major project. – Anne Grant

Book after book has been written about grief. You can google “types of grief” and millions of results will instantly appear. Researchers spend entire careers trying to analyze and dissect it.This makes it a little difficult to summarize what you need to know. Thus, I will give you a small slice of what I think is important and, if something stands out, encourage you to research what others have also said about it or make a comment and I will try to provide you with more information.

What is grief?

Grief is a multifaceted response to loss. In most cases it is applied to the period of mourning after the death of a loved one. This can also be labelled as bereavement. Grief is a completely natural process. There are many types of grief to include: normal or common grief, complicated grief, anticipatory grief, chronic grief and more.

How long will I feel like this?

Everyone grieves differently. Because of this there is no “normal” timetable for grieving. Grief is an emotional roller coaster. It is full of ups and downs, highs and lows. However, most people who have been through the loss of a loved one will tell you the beginning tends to be the roughest, then over time (even years) the experience of grief will lessen allowing us to live with the pain of loss. This is completely unique to the individual. Therefore, focus on how you feel. If you are happy, sad, angry or content, that is ok.

Is it normal to randomly start crying?

Yes, you are running through a strong range of emotions. Later down the road, something seemingly small or benign might trigger you to tears. Triggers can be common reminders of the person you love. Triggers are ideas, thoughts, moments, objects or anything that reminds you of your loss.  If something triggers you, such as a fleeting thought, and you instantly breakdown, note what it was a try to understand why it made you break down.

Is it normal not to cry?

Yes. While crying is the common response to sadness, it is not the only one. Not crying does not exclude people from the pain of loss.

How should I cope with grief?

The highest factor in healing from loss is having support. Support suggestions are:

  1. friends and family members
  2. Religious and Spiritual comfort
  3. Join a support Group
  4. Talk to a therapist or grief counselor

Do whatever you need to take care of yourself. Here are a few suggestions:

  1. Face your feelings
  2. Express those feeling in a tangible way.
  3. Eat, Sleep, and Exercise
  4. Plan ahead for how you want to handle significant anniversaries, holidays, and dates.
  5. Try to avoid self-medicating with alcohol and drugs.

***Personally, I spent a lot of time writing simple words in a journal because my brain couldn’t string coherent sentences together. After a time, I started photographing myself as I felt different emotions. Eventually I wrote poetry and combined the poems with the photographs. I lived across the Pacific Ocean from my family, but called and talked to my parents whenever I was really hurting. I went to a therapist. I created a bucket list of the things I wanted to do and started checking them off the next day. I also self-medicated with alcohol when things became too much. Now, five years later I am creating a blog to pass on my experiences as well as, trying to get into grad school for clinical psychology focused on complicated grief. Figure out what works for you.

How do I deal with other people?

Other people will have no idea what you are going through. Try to be kind. Some people will want to help you. Let them. Others will take advantage of you. It happens and is unfortunate. Hold on to the people who care about you. Keep in mind they may not know what to say or do. Let them know, how you are feeling and try to guide them. You don’t have to talk about how you are feeling or what happened with everyone. If someone is trying to talk about what happen with you and you don’t want to, try saying “I understand that you are concerned and are simply trying to help, but I don’t want to think about this right now. Can we talk about something else or _______?” If that doesn’t work just walk away. Most will wait for you to determine their interaction. In short, set boundaries and guide them.

What is normal?

Kübler-Ross model(1969) determined that there are fives stages of grief. They are

  1. Denial
  2. Anger
  3. Bargaining
  4. Depression
  5. Acceptance

While these are well known and considered normal stages, they are simply a theory. The theory states that they are not linear stages and not everyone goes through every stage. Another well-supported theory created by George Bonanno’s research points to four trajectories of grief instead:

  1. Resilience
  2. Recovery
  3. Chronic dysfunction
  4. Delayed grief or trauma

***Overall, anything you feel or do is normal.

Will I recover?

Yes, you will.

If there is something you have learned about grief please share it in the comments below. 

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Toast of the Week- May 23, 2015

The Lone Bull Moose

You’ve been told no, to stop, to give it up. They tell you it’s not worth the time, the money, the pain. You should turn in and do something stable, sensible. Letting your dreams go are worth living in safety and stability.

But you refuse. You’ve taken your lumps, been burned, ripped off, taken advantage of. You’ve been knocked down and yet each time you stand up,  return with ferocity. It would be easier to pursue other avenues, other careers. But where your head says yes, your heart says no. To Hell with the critics and the naysayers. You were born for something better, something greater. Despite the setbacks and the missteps, you keep at it. Where most would have learned to quit, you keep going.

Most lessons are worth learning. Some are not.

A Toast: To Lessons Never Learned

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Toast of the Week- March 28, 2015

The Lone Bull Moose

Happiness is earned. It’s earned through experience; the good, the bad, the ugly. The ugliest experiences contribute the greatest to our happiness. Divorce. Depression. Death. Things that nearly break us, almost kill us, fuel our happiness; make us great. Humans are meant to be challenged; tested; pushed. We are meant to break our limits; innovate; adapt; overcome. Without the nearly fatal, we never truly live.

We need the ugly moments; the moments of despair; the hard stuff.

A Toast: To the Hard Stuff

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Not all Women want Children

no-kidsA six-year-old boy hummed as the elevator went up seven floors. He was dressed nicely holding both of his parents hands. Most adult women would find this behavior to be overly-charming and fall into a baby-wanting frenzy, however there is a handful of women that would want to karate-kick the child in the back of the head for not shutting up. After which, they would scold the parents for not keeping their child quiet, because not everyone thinks hearing a child hum is adorable. These women don’t want children, in fact, they don’t even like children.

How could this be? Women are suppose to want to grow up and have children. That motherly instinct to keep the species alive should be tethering all women to the dream of family. Hence when a woman breaks free of this typical mold, it creates confusion and chaos. It’s so bizarre men, women and children can’t comprehend it. They makes comments such as “It’s just a phase”, “It’s different when it’s yours”, and “You can’t be serious. You’ll want them later.” This outrageous stance -women declaring freedom from precious boys and girls- is almost a crime against womanhood.

In general there are logical reasons to not want children. Here are 10:

  1. Children cost money.
  2. Children take considerable amount of time (practically a full-time job).
  3. There is NO guarantee on disposition, health, and behavior, responsible people who have major hereditary health might choose not to have children because they don’t want to pass along something that they have had to deal with.
  4. There are strict laws on how one can parent.
  5. Chances are children won’t move out at 18 or 26 or will move back in when they are adults.
  6. Why live vicariously through children when you can still live your own life.
  7. Have you ever looked at a family and thought- There should be regulations about who can have children and how many” Some people really shouldn’t have kids so if they choose not to support them.
  8. Babies wreck your body.
  9. She is not in a positive environmental position or society to raise a family.
  10. She just doesn’t want to.

Not wanting children as a woman is Taboo. It makes a declaration of freedom and power. A woman has decided to take her own fate into her hands and determine what her future holds outside of societal expectations. She has made the best decision for herself and her unwanted potential offspring. This is perfectly acceptable, but threatening. Women alone hold the power of carrying an embryo to term. Any other development of a child, such as cloning, is considered unethical. Men, while producing sperm, only play a small part in the reproduction process. Perhaps this is why the declaration of not wanting children is so outrageous for some. The woman is not fulfilling her “duty” to carry on the species. Ironically one woman (unless she was the last on earth due to a zombie apocalypse) choosing not to have a child is not an end to the species. Currently, the world is overpopulated and there are many homeless and starving children without families. Demographically, children make up the majority of the those currently living in poverty.

Women who do not want children are not causing the destruction of the species. They are seeing past society and into their own needs. This takes courage and strength. I don’t deny there are reasons for wanting children, but there are just as many reasons to not have children. In the end, we all need to think about what is best for ourselves and potential children instead of being quickly taken aback by an out-of-the-norm idea. Children are not for everyone and that is not a bad thing.